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January 23rd, 2007

damn gurl

i rarely update this whorebitch of a livejournal anymore but i do still log in, at the very least, every other day. this is because there are certain friends or acquaintances of mine that i don't speak with regularly, and reading their livejournals enables me to stay updated (however much they choose) on their lives.

in doing so, i realize that there may be some people who are curious as to what i'm up to. that's a kind of vain statement now that i think about it, but vanity is something i'm pretty goddamn good at.

anyway, aside from a few minor setbacks, i'm unbelievably content with my life right now. things kind of changed for the better really quickly for me in the past month or so, and they're amazing.

first and foremost. i got a job. you could even call it a career. i got hired by fm global to work as an information processor. essentially, i will sit at a computer and sort through work orders assigning them to different employees. i get a yearly, not hourly salary, plus benefits, 401k, all that good shit. i haven't started yet and i could fall in love with this job but i doubt i'll want to do it forever, mainly because of the salary. it's more than enough for me to be happy by myself at 21 but not long-term. however, my dad started at this very same company in a lower-level position and now is upper management. so there's definitely room to grow. who knows.

after 6 months they will also pay for me to take night classes to continue working on a degree while i work full-time. i already started taking night classes at URI providence, so again, step forward.

after a few months of working, luke and i are planning on getting an apartment in providence. pumped.

i've gotten back in touch and hung out with a bunch of old friends recently, and it really makes me happy. not to mention dubbs is graduating in may and will also be back in RI. the future is looking really, really good.

December 21st, 2006

2006: A Year In Review

this is something i've been doing for years, and each year i get a little more in-depth. so, i present to you my musical (and a few other things) year in review of 2006. enjoy.

Top Albums of 2006

15) This Providence - This Providence
14) Jay-Z - Kingdom Come
13) Head Automatica - Popaganda
12) Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds
11) Hit The Lights - This Is A Stick Up, Don't Make It A Murder
10) Deftones - Saturday Night Wrist
09) +44 - When Your Heart Stops Beating
08) Copeland - Eat, Sleep, Repeat
07) New Found Glory - Coming Home
06) Gatsbys American Dream - Gatsbys American Dream
05) Saves The Day - Sound The Alarm
04) The Early November - The Mother, The Mechanic, and The Path
03) Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me
02) Lupe Fiasco - Food and Liquor
01) The Format - Dog Problems

Most Disappointing Albums of 2006

04) Matchbook Romance - Voices
03) Yellowcard - Lights and Sounds
02) Less Than Jake - In With The Out Crowd
01) Thursday - A City By The Light Divided

Best New Band of 2006

01) +44

Best Music Video of 2006

01) Muse - Knights of Cydonia

Hardest Working Band of 2006

01) Cartel

Most Overrated Band

01) Angels & Airwaves

Most Underrated Bands

03) New Atlantic
02) Just Surrender
01) Sherwood

Best Acoustic Songs

02) New Found Glory - Too Good To Be
01) Hit The Lights - She's Covered In Fingerprints

Saddest Breakup Of 2006

01) Acceptance

Best Movies of 2006

03) Talladega Nights
02) Thank You For Smoking
01) Little Miss Sunshine

Best TV Shows of 2006

02) Heroes
01) The Office

(Note: Never in my life have I had one television show that I absolutely have to watch every week. Now, I have two.)

Bands Most Likely To Blow Up in 2007

05) The Starting Line
04) Hit The Lights
03) New Atlantic
02) Just Surrender
01) Cartel

Most Anticipated Releases of 2007

05) Just Surrender
04) Jimmy Eat World
03) Thrice
02) Glassjaw
01) Say Anything

December 7th, 2006

i'd really enjoy getting my sidekick back.
i hope i get this job.
i wish i wasn't sick.
i'd like to drink tonight.

that is all.


December 3rd, 2006

surprise, surprise.

i am officially miserable.

November 24th, 2006

i am thankful for...

in no particular order...

family, friends, good health, say anything, the office, carmelo anthony, southern comfort, marist basketball, my mac, glassjaw, cute butts, that lebrons commercial where he says "stop looking at my lemonade!", sandwiches, hi-c orange beverage, journey, music as a whole, and on a serious note, for getting through this past month and for the positive turnaround it looks like i'm about to experience.

hope everyone's thanksgiving was great.


November 23rd, 2006

stop looking at my lemonade!

for the past 2 months or so i've done nothing but bitch about how i hadn't listened to any new music in forever. i hadn't discovered any new bands nor had any of my old favorite bands released anything new.

in the past week or so i've probably added 10 new albums to my iTunes. it's fantastic. there are very few that i dislike, too. it's almost december, which means it's almost time for my albums of the year list. it's going to be tough this year. last year was such a good year for music...and i had a very difficult time choosing between three albums for my #1 spot. this year, there were a lot of solid releases, but not many that stick out as a potential #1. i'll have to take a look.

that's all. happy thanksgiving.


November 20th, 2006

well, 6 weeks after moving to poughkeepsie, i'm moving back home.

i can't give one single reason for why it's happening. the most logical explanation is that i simply can't afford to live here, because the job situation did not work out for me at all. it's actually pretty much outside my control, because i was led to believe i'd be getting way more hours than i actually ended up getting, so i stopped applying for jobs elsewhere.

and also, i guess with jim's death, i just found myself reevaluating everything. i absolutely loved the time i spent here. living on my own was as fun as it always was. not being in school made it 10x better, i had a chance to just hang out and spend time with the friends i missed so much. as much as i'm financially fucked in the ass right now, i don't regret the decision to move here. it was a learning experience, i had a great time, i got closer to my old friends and made some really good new friends.

however, the interesting twist to this whole situation...

in talking my options over with my father, he proposed an idea to me that i hadn't even considered.
my plan was to go home, seek out another retail job, save up some money, and focus on getting back into some sort of college.
and, as i mentioned in a previous entry, dubbs proposed the option of getting an apartment in providence with him after he graduates.

so my father says that he's going to look into me getting a job with his company. now, in a nutshell, my dad works for FM Global, a company that sells insurance to factories...basically making sure the factories are equipped with sprinkler systems and things of that nature. he was hired by that company 30 years ago as a basic engineer, and worked his way up to now being an assistant vice president of the company. he definitely would have some sort of leverage in getting me a job.

apparently they have a job they let non-college grads work, in their computer department doing basic CAD work, blueprints of factories and sprinkler systems, some minor graphic design, and the like. when i expressed that my knowledge of CAD and design is limited, he said he already asked the head of the department about it, and he said that anyone with solid computer knowledge could be taught.

so this would be a full-time, 40-hour per week job.
i'd be making salary (nothing extravagant, but for a non-grad, pretty decent),
i'd receive full benefits,
and the most intriguing part...
they'd pay for me to take night classes and finish up my degree.

basically, it would be the ideal situation. i'd be able to live at home for a while, work full-time, make really decent money, pay off some of my debts and bills, and take night classes. i'd have all my weekends off so that i could come hang out in poughkeepsie or at bentley with dubbs or in cortland with nick whenever i wanted to. i'd be sable to save up so that once dubbs graduates, i would definitely be able to afford an apartment with him in providence.

and, like i said, my dad started as a simple engineer and worked his way up to a really cushy job. so the job could go two ways...it could be temporary, a stepping stone until i get my degree and move on...or there's room to grow and maybe i could have my career set and earn a degree in the process. getting my degree would only mean better pay and more job opportunities in the future. my dad says they love hiring in-family.

it's not a guarantee, he still has to speak to some people in the company. i don't want to get my hopes up, but i think it would really be perfect.

so poughkeepsie, i will miss you, but hopefully, i'll be able to visit rather often.
sweet dreams.

November 11th, 2006

sail, belly up to the clouds

what an unbelievably difficult few days.

there are few words that can describe seeing someone you used to be best friends with lying motionless in a casket, surrounded by other friends and former classmates crying hysterically. it's something i really never thought i'd have to deal with...it was definitely harder, too.

being home really made me realize that the people in this town, the people i went to high school with, and the people i know are all extremely good people. i could not have made it through this weekend without dubbs. he was absolutely amazing. mainly because he has the ability to see right through me and know that even though i was putting on a tough guy exterior, i was in so much pain inside.

which is one of those things that i don't think is a bad thing, but it's definitely a weakness, and it bothers me. i don't like people to worry about me, so i hold it in. if there's a large group of people in pain, i feel like it's my duty to be strong for them. i know it's wrong, but i can't help it.

anyway, dubbs made things relatively easy and light for me, by taking me to foxwoods and spending most of the time home with me. jill also was wonderful in taking my mind off things.

to be totally honest, one of my biggest worries all weekend was how i would react to seeing luke. i knew how close he had become with jim, and seeing friends, especially friends like luke, who's always as strong as can be, in a very weak state, would certainly tear me apart.

luckily, when i first saw luke it was at the wake, and he had been there for a while and had taken a break, so he was relatively at ease and not too emotional. i saw so many other people from high school crying and hugging and catching up...it was very bizarre. it was comforting, in a way, to be back with all the people i grew up with...however, it was also incredibly bittersweet, given the circumstances.

erica showed up. which completely caught me off guard. i don't know why, i should have expected her to be there...but for some reason it just completely never crossed my mind that she might be there. it was very unreal. when i saw her and we hugged, and she started crying and telling me that she missed me and apologizing for not keeping in touch...it brought back so much. it actually brought back a lot of memories of jim, too, because the three of us used to get into all sorts of trouble together. when i left the wake, i gave her a hug and told her that seeing her was really nice, and that i really hoped she'd keep in touch.

after the wake, we went back to dubbs' house with jill, and luke came over. he brought a bottle of jameson, and told us that jameson was jim's drink of choice. so we each took a double shot of jameson in his honor. honestly, it was horrible, but it made me feel really good. it was my tribute.

we decided to go to the funeral this morning, and that's when things got really strange.
anyone from high school i hadn't seen at the wake was at the funeral. i got emotional in front of everyone for the first time. in the parking lot following the service, i saw more high school friends, saw more pain, had more grief. matt barrett came up to me and said "it wasn't too long ago we were all playing blink-182 songs in chris' basement." another memory that had completely escaped me. jim played guitar in one of the first bands i was ever in.

the long drive to the veteran's cemetary in the funeral procession helped. it let me get some of my emotions in check. so many people went to the actual burial, it was so touching. at the spot we were standing in, luke ended up standing right across from me, in uniform. he was a pallbearer and honor guard, so the poor kid was standing at attention the whole time, and he was such a wreck. it killed me. i hate seeing friends in pain. the ceremony was unbelievable. as soon as it ended, luke completely broke down. i went over to him and hugged him and i felt so horrible.

jim was an amazing person. i miss him terribly already. and from the showing i saw today, i know that many others do as well.
after the burial, we went to lunch with chris' parents, which also was a nice way to get my mind off things.

i decided i would drive back to poughkeepsie once i got home, but once i got in my truck, i just completely broke down. for the first time since i had gotten home, i was alone, and i was able to think about everything, and i lost it. i couldn't breathe, i couldn't see. i was not ready to sit alone in my truck for three hours on the way back to new york. so i turned around, came home, and decided i'll go back when i'm ready. i need to be with my family right now, where i can take some time to figure out what the hell i'm doing with my life.

i really am grateful for this experience. i wish so badly that jim could still be with us, but this week put so many things into perspective for me. i learned not to take anything for granted. i learned that losing touch with old friends is never good. i can't remember the last time i saw jimmy and it kills me. i don't want to find out that another old friend is lost without me being in touch.

dubbs and i definitely got even stronger than we've ever been. he even discussed wanting me to move back to RI after he graduates and live in providence with him. i'm thinking about it.

this just keeps rambling. i can't think of a good way to end it. closure was never my strong point.

jimmy completely turned his life around. he was never a bad kid, he just couldn't figure out the right path.
i need to now figure out my life's right path. my eyes have been opened.
i'm pissing my life away, and i'd like to change that.

that's all, i guess.

rest in peace, jim. i miss you.

November 7th, 2006

may angels lead you in...

the past few days have been a series of strange coincidences that i could never explain.

last night i was up really late and i got into a long conversation with an old friend who i hadn't spoken to at length in a very, very long time. we talked about the good times we used to have and it felt really nice.

i woke up this morning and sent her an IM just to say hi - and it turned out she was the person that ended up letting me know.

i credit a lot of who i am to the people i surrounded myself with as a child.
some of the greatest and best friends i've ever had, some of the people who have had the biggest influences on who i turned into, are people that i don't talk to more than a couple times a year now.

jim dube is one of those people.

he's somebody i completely neglected on the day i gave a speech thanking everyone who helped me along my trail to becoming an eagle scout. but he had as big of an impact as anyone. we came up together, through cub scouts, as just little boys. good friends who got along. had fun together. birthday parties, good times, laughter. we became boy scouts together, and he was really my rock those first few years. i made other friends in my boy scout troop but none were as close to me as jim. we fed off each other. our senses of humor were so similar, we just were great friends. jimmy literally kept me in boy scouts up until i was about 14 years old and he decided to quit. that was a period in jim's life when he changed a little bit, and i started to wonder if he was headed down the right path. different crowd, different interests, but not a different person. i remember questioning if he'd ever recover, and if he'd end up turning out ok. i ended up being very fortunate that luke simmons joined the troop shortly after that, as he resumed being my rock in the troop, and kept me going all the way to eagle.

i remember drifting with jim, and not being sure our friendship would ever recover. one of my happiest memories involved government class in 9th grade...we got kicked out of class together and spent the rest of the period in the hallway talking about all the antics we got into as kids.

ironically, after graduation, jim joined the army and went over to iraq with luke. i don't know if that was a symbol of them being probably two of the most strong-willed people i've ever met. they definitely are the two finest leaders i know. i always thought it was definitely strange that those two went together. they were even roommates.

jim survived a whole year over in iraq, and him and luke came back after serving on the frontline. i remember jim added me on myspace while he was over there, cause he saw me on luke's page, and said that when he got back we should get together and catch up.

i never got that chance.

last night jim was killed in a hit-and-run car accident.

you never see these things coming, but for someone i haven't really spoken to much in the past few years, i can't believe how hard i'm taking it. we were best friends when we were kids, and now he's gone. all day i've spoken with friends from high school i haven't spoken with in ages. all with the same thoughts in mind: it could have been anyone. my mom was in tears. my dad was in tears. it just hits home when it's someone your own age.

i wish i had gotten the opportunity to see jim after he got back from iraq.

i'm going home tomorrow, to attend the wake, and possibly the funeral. there, i will see other people, who, like jim, i haven't seen or heard much from in years. i will be sure to let everyone know that i miss them, and that we should spend time together in the near future.

it could have been anyone.

i'm not sure how i feel about god, or heaven, but i know that if there is a heaven, they gained a hell of a guy today.

i can't believe i ever questioned how jim would turn out. i wish that i could be half the man jim ended up being.

you are a hero. you will be missed.

November 4th, 2006

you're my sunshine

around this time every year, that first really strong, really dry winter cold hits me.
and despite the fact that i love the smell and the crispness of that cold winter air,
i'm quickly reminded of how goddamn cold my new england/new york winters are.
this reminder is magnified when i'm living in an apartment where the heat is sketchy at best.

i went to this club in new paltz last night with a group of people i'd never hung out with before, and i had an awesome time. one of them happened to be a girl that i guess you could say i have a pretty big crush on. but regardless of that, the whole situation is a step in the right direction, in my eyes. it's always nice to meet new people, and it's even nicer when you find out that you get along really well with them. i've never been the best at making new friends on my own...i usually meet friends through friends. and while i guess that could apply to one of these people, i pretty much take responsibility myself. so chew on that.

i decided that i want to make some positive changes in my life. nothing extreme, just fixing a couple of things that i'm unhappy with. mainly, i'd like to start eating healthier. i got into a discussion with bean and briggs a couple of days ago about how "you are what you eat" and how it really is true. and basically, since i can eat whatever i want without putting on weight, i've completely disregarded any nutritional value of anything i eat, and that might explain why i constantly feel like crap. (DISCLAIMER: in no way, shape, or form does "eating better" mean i will consider doing anything even resembling vegetarianism. i'm simply talking about not eating fast food as often, having more fruits and vegetables, etc.)

another change i want to make is getting rid of some of my bad habits, procrastination being among the top of those habits. there are some other things too...just working on cutting back on some of my more immature or inappropriate behaviors. (DISCLAIMER: in no way, shape, or form does "cutting back on...mature [and] inappropriate behaviors" mean i will completely disregard my obnoxiously innane sense of humor. it simply means the way i speak and/or act to certain people in certain situations will be changed.)

i went to see lupe fiasco tonight at vassar with the cozz. it was amazing. lupe is just an unbelievable MC. i hadn't been to a hip-hop show in a long time, and i really enjoy those shows so much more than any "scene" shows or what have you. the whole vibe is completely different. everyone's relaxed, dancing, having a good time. it's all about the music and the message. all these stupid rock and scene shows are just a gigantic gathering of people who are trying to one-up each other by looking cooler or acting cooler. i'm so glad i got into hip-hop music. it's amazing how when you grow up you realize you don't have to be so close-minded about everything. my musical taste now is more broad than it's ever been, and i think it's really made me think outside the box as a musician. when i open up my iTunes and hit shuffle, songs from glassjaw, journey, the smashing pumpkins, blink 182, guns 'n roses, talib kweli, michael jackson, and the deftones come up. it's a beautiful thing.

goodnight moon.
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